“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
— Carl Jung
Most of us don’t get the love we could have and even deserve because we do things to completely destroy how we get it. In a sense, we sabotage our own love lives by building walls instead of bridges, expecting too much, and not being willing to grow. Assumptions and expectations are a large part of what causes many relationships not to work; but it is also the things we consciously do such as being bitter, dishonesty, no communication, and pushing for the other person to be perfect that completely ruins it for us.
Love is not love unless it helps you to become a better person. Love for the sake of love eventually becomes useless and unhelpful. Love must mean something. Deep down, we want it all to be in someone’s heart for who we are, but we have to also be the type of person who would love who we are. If we don’t love the person we are, we shouldn’t expect that from anyone else. And we have to work on ourselves to get to that point where we can give love and receive love without assumption, expectation, or condition.
Here are 7 ways typically good people destroy their love lives and how we can change that:
1. Expecting someone else to complete you.
If you are waiting for a knight in shining armor or a princess in glass slippers to come along and complete your life, you will be waiting forever. I hate to tell you, but that is never going to happen. No one person is just going to adore every little quirk and peeve about you. It’s simply not going to happen. What you should look for is someone who is going to support you and help you be a better person. But all that “you complete me” and “you fill me up” stuff, you got to get that on your own.
2. Thinking someone is just going to love you as you are.
Some people use their negative behavior, habits, status, and addictions as an excuse to blame and manipulate other people and not to improve their own lives. They falsely believe that someone else should love them for who they are. There is an element of acceptance in every relationship. However, thinking that your drinking habit, your addiction to drugs, your lack of a job or any drive to work to begin with “won’t matter to my love interest because they’ll love me for who I am” simply is not true. In the beginning, it might work a little, but it won’t last long-term. If you wouldn’t love yourself or date yourself “just the way you are”, don’t expect someone else to do that.
3. If you don’t give, don’t expect to receive.
It takes two people to make a relationship work, or “two to tango” as they say. Too many people want to be loved by someone else, but don’t want to give love to someone else. Love really has nothing to do with sex and romance. It has everything to do with respect, communication, honesty, and trust. It is helping each other become their best selves. It is paying attention to each other, finding out their likes and dislikes, and building each other up. Don’t play games or show up only when it is convenient for you. Be the person you want to be with.
4. Wanting someone who has everything.
We’d like to think that that 6’1” smart and attractive guy or that 5’6” girl with the beauty and brains are the total package. They look like it on the outside of course and for the first couple of date nights, they act like it and talk like it too. But the truth is no single person has it all together, and that will quickly be made evident the more you get to know them. What you want to focus on are the top three qualities you absolutely must have in a relationship and let everything else be negotiable, because, after all, it already is.
5. Using the “I’m not perfect” line of defense as an excuse for poor behavior.
If you are still running after all kinds of people like you’re in high school or drunk texting or smashing windows when you get angry or not willing to have it any other way but your way, after you reach a certain age, it really isn’t a matter of you not being perfect. It’s more a matter that you haven’t grown up yet. You’re not mature enough and you don’t need to be in a relationship with someone at this point in your life. No one is perfect. That is a fact of life, but not an excuse for poor behavior. Work on yourself first and then work on developing good relationships.
6. If you quit the game at half-time, you’re never going to win.
Some people want their significant other to just waltz into their lives and fix everything that is wrong about them. That’s not going to happen. They give up working on themselves, meeting new people, and dating all together because it is seriously hard work. If you want to have a lifelong partner and marry the “love of your life” someday, you have to keep improving yourself and becoming the person someone would want to marry and then not give up hope that you will find that special someone.
7. Bitterness and baggage make miserable companions.
You know these types of people, they are all over social media and gossip sites generalizing about “all men” and “all women” — “all men never listen”, “all women are unreasonable”, “all women are high maintenance” and “all men don’t want to be committed”. These ”alls” and “nevers” are not always accurate when it comes down to describing individuals. If you’re the type of person who is always coming across as bitter and has a lot of baggage about your ex or people in general, you may not be the type of person who is actually good relationship material. Get over yourself. Get over the past. Drop the bitterness and the baggage and free yourself to give and receive the love that all people are worthy of.
“If you would be loved, love, and be loveable.”
— Benjamin Franklin